Life did not go as I planned it when I was a kid.
You know, all those typical dreams about getting married, having a big family filled with kids, a successful career and somewhere to call home together?
I always thought that was what I wanted.
A home filled with love, yes love. SO much love.
Young Eleonora was dreamer, maybe even an overachiever but she had so much trust in people.
She was an eruption of feelings, always keeping her parents on the edge of their seats not knowing what she would come out with next.
“What is she crying for now?” - a typical response from my mom.
I can still picture her face while she was saying that...
“There she is, Eleonora being Eleonora, always so dramatic. So emotional.”
There it is, the one word that has haunted me my whole life.
The one word that best defines my soul and at the same time the one word that has shattered my heart.
“You are so emotional.”
When did that word turn into a curse?
How did it happen?
How did my being emotional become the one reason I’m all at once “too much” and “not enough.”
Why can’t this be the best part of me, the one to appreciate, the one to fall in love with?
It’s been 37 years now that I’ve tried to “be less” to please others.
And guess what?
It hasn’t worked.
So here I am, feeling quite old, hurting over the opinions of others as per usual.
People I love somehow can not just love me for me, for who I am. “Too emotional.”
“Too old to have kids.”
“Not as attractive as you used to be.” These spoken words generated more emotions within me than I ever thought I could possibly feel (is that even possible??)
They embody and amplify the same feelings that have always been there at the heart of it all, at the center of the pain.
Those emotions make me, me.
Yet there is so much pain.
That same pain taught me how hard I’ve tried.
How many times I was able to turn something ugly into something beautiful by simply taking it all in.
As I see it right now, what I am currently going through is either going to break my heart once and for all or turn me into Wonder Woman.
As my friends have recently told me, it will going to be Wonder Woman.
Picture by @axialcreative_